From: The office of the Prime Minister of Canada
Subject: An Outstanding Business Opportunity!
Kindly permit me to introduce myself. My name is Stephen Harper. I have a master’s degree in economics from the University of Calgary, and am currently Prime Minister of Canada. I acquired your e-mail address through the offices of my trusted colleague, Mr. Vic Toews. I have been hiding out at 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa for some time due to crisis in my country. Rebels have repeatedly tried to hold Parliament hostage. In the past I used “prorogation” to subvert their coalition efforts, but I am now using other methods to snub them. And although I am under constant fire in our legislative buildings, I still have the opportunity to offer you an outstanding business opportunity.
I am in possession of a large sum of money: $15 billion (plus or minus $10 billion). The money is being held in a suspense account and was drawn in part from your bank account, in the form of taxes. I intend to move this money abroad to a safe country (the United States) for the purchase of 65 brand new warplanes (F-35s). These magnificent fighter jets are a bonafide safe investment. However discretion and goodwill is fundamental. This urgent project holds commensurate benefits to the parties involved, as we envisage a speedy consummation of the first batch of this transaction. The first phase, when properly consummated in trust and good faith, would enable the subsequent phases.
WHAT I ASK YOU TO DO:
1.Firstly to assist me by ignoring the exaggerations made by irresponsible newsvendors and government auditors about the true costs of the warplane program. These people are troublemakers attempting to destabilize the country, and aid the rebels in Parliament.
2. To help relocate me and my family to a friendly country (the United States) in the event of public backlash (including the threat, implied or imminent, of tarring and feathering).
3. To agree to all additional costs incurred by maintenance and parts of the aforementioned warplanes.
Upon completion of the full transaction with Lockheed Martin Corporation, you will own 65 near-state-of-the-art warplanes that will protect you and your family from airborne toxic events, plagues of locusts, rains of blood, extraterrestrial invasions, and anthrax-equipped al-Qaeda operatives in cropdusters. Downtime will be minimal: even if half of the jets are in the shop, there will still be thirty two and one-half of these death-dealing Valkyries on the tarmac, ready to defend you and your children from the aforementioned threats.
With the delivery of the warplanes in your name to the Department of National Defence, you will a gold-embossed certificate acknowledging your ownership. The certificate will be signed by my trusted colleague, Defence Minister Peter MacKay. For your assistance you will also receive a wallet-sized photo of me giving my son a one-armed hug at Christmas time. As a further token of my appreciation, users of Microsoft Vista will have the opportunity to upload a screensaver featuring F-35 jets doing barrel rolls through a cyclone of thousand-dollar bills.
As part of our agreement, my trusted colleague Mr. Vic Toews will gain remote access to your home computer, notebook, and any other of your personal telecommunication devices. He will validate your bank account number, Facebook status and medical condition, and ensure you are not in possession of child pornography or anti-pipeline/enviroterror materials. Hewing to our post-911 standards of national insecurity will ensure this business transaction is fully honoured according to laws of the land, as defined by my office.
No response is necessary, as your approval has been indicated by the last federal election, and the mandate given me as leader of a majority government. In the event of another election (which may be in doubt with my office under constant attack), our people will contact your people by telephone.
Although you and I may never meet in person, there is always the off-chance of an awkward encounter at a pancake breakfast or a germ-free baby-holding photo op. In which case, please do not ask to shake my hand (I am deathly afraid of underclass contamination). Enjoy your magnificent new F-35 warplanes with my blessings.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper
The Vancouver Courier, April 19