On the fifth day of creation, God called Bulldog, Eagle, and Beaver for a meeting. “I’m thinking of fashioning something out of soil tomorrow and calling him Adam,” said the Creator in a booming voice from above.
The puzzled animals cast sidelong glances at one another. “You three shall represent a trio of great nations for Adam’s descendants,” God proclaimed. “Well, two great nations, at least. Bulldog, you shall front for a naval power with colonies around the world. The People of the Bulldog shall have a polyglot language, a world-class broadcasting system, and a magical singing foursome named after a kind of insect. But your peeps shall feel the sting of austerity, too.”
Bulldog shifted uneasily, unsure where The Lord was going with this.
“Relax already, it’s just a symbolic role!” God thundered. “I’m talking branding here, not putting the screws to the beasts of the Earth. That’ll be Adam’s business!”
“Your turn, Eagle. I’m talking national symbol again. One day you’ll take up the reins of world empire from Bulldog. Your nation will invade foreign lands spreading Freedom™ in exchange for resources. It will rain bombs like brimstone down upon all those who resist its beneficence. On the domestic front, The People of the Eagle will swell to immense size, pushing shopping carts laden with corn-based crap through behemoth discount stores, out to vast expanses of asphalt where their giant, cartoon-like combustion chariots await.
“And I love this idea – I actually got it from my Lead Angel – the adult inhabitants of this great nation shall carry lethal weapons under the pretext of protecting themselves against others with lethal weapons! I’m a total nut for Wild West themes!”
Eagle looked mildly irritated, which God immediately detected with his Awesome All-Knowingness.
“C’mon, you’re a bird of prey, for My sake! Nations will prey upon other nations, just like animals prey upon other animals. It’s an addendum to The Law of the Jungle – the legal department is working on it right now. Now over to you, Beaver.”
The aquatic rodent’s eyes twinkled like brown marbles. Was his to be the most dominant empire of all?
“No,” commanded the super-psychic deity. “In fact, your nation will be dominated by the other two, starting with Bulldog. Hewing wood and hauling water will be the Beaver people’s destiny, as a resource-based, branch-plant economy. Then you’ll do the bird’s bidding for a stretch, while a monarch from pooch nation remains your default ruler.”
Beaver’s heart sank. He wasn’t into conquest, but he wasn’t up for being anyone’s bitch either.
“Oh, lighten up, Beaver,” said the Creator, rolling His eyes. “I see you doing a ‘soft power’ thing. Basically, it’s a bureaucratic charm offensive where you try to influence global events through diplomacy. But that won’t last. The People of the Beaver shall join in on a “War on Terror,” which one Eagle leader will ironically mispronounce as ‘War on Terra.’ The three of you will institute all kinds of crazy security laws while spying on your own subjects. And you know how the People of the Beaver, Eagle and Bulldog will be surveilled? Through their own smartphones!”
God’s laughter echoed throughout the firmament, but the three beasts didn’t understand what he meant by ‘smartphones.’ “Never mind, they haven’t been invented yet. The important thing is that it’s all part of My moving mysteriously. On the upside there will be legalized weed.”
There was a long pause. With their heads averted, the humbled creatures could barely catch a glimpse of the Lord’s blazing countenance what with the glare from His 50,000-watt nimbus. In spite of the radiance, He looked dimly down upon His rushed work in fur and feathers. ‘Next time I generate intellectual property I’m going to give it more than a week,’ God thought.
“Okay crew, let’s wind this up. All empires have their best-before dates, so let me explain what I have planned after Eagle’s reign.” God pressed a button on the console of his majestic, cloud-wreathed throne.
“Send in Panda,” he boomed.
The Vancouver Courier, Feb. 7