by Geoff Olson

Those darn e-mail scams. Even with my spam filter set to detect the slightest whiff of “offshore bank account,” my inbox is regularly penetrated by bogus communications from fake people. Here’s just one from this week:

From: “Reverend/Barrister Ndaba Bongwater”<threeloyalpublicservants@giggle.com>
Subject:  Outstanding Investment Opportunity

My name is Mr.  Ndaba Bongwater. I am writing in concern on behalf of my three clients, government officials in great peril.

 Mrs. Linda Reid is Speaker of the Legislature for the government of British Columbia. Her mood deteriorate badly after media press show photo of her husband in   (consensual) encounter with full-grown South African giraffe.

Even though husband’s side-trip occur during Mrs. Reid’s wholly legitimate and enjoyable trip to 2013 Commonwealth Parliamentary Conference in Johannesburg (where I met her), radicals in gutter press used photo as ammo when she return homeward. A shootout  commenced, and she refuged herself legislatively in a $13,449 TV lounge/panic room, armed only with free coffee, muffins, and fax machine.

The incident  was amplified by twits on social notworking sites who defamed  Mrs. Reid as “Speaker with a blown Tweeter.” Even though Mrs. Reid paid government back $5,500 for husband’s 16,000 km trip to zoo, she feel secret shame every time she put on little legislative pirate hat and ascends throne affixed with $48,412 custom-designed, touch-screen computer.

Mrs. Reid tell Ndaba, “there is one thing that  free, zucchini walnut muffin from  $733 muffin display rack cannot fix: a cyber-bullied heart and a bank overdraft fee.” Okay, those are two things  (arithmetic not my client’s strength point).
My second client is also  government figure besmirched hurtfully by financial matters involving a spousal unit.  Mr. Raj Chouhan, member of legislature in British Columbia, also smilingly attend same South African conference as Mrs. Reid, but for non-giraffe related matters and in company of lovely wife. After unwarranted allegations impropriety, Mr. Chouhan agree to reimburse taxpayers $2,200 for cost of economy-class wife-fare (airline’s peanut pack/floatation devices are complementary and not expensed).

My third client, Ms. Jenny Kwan, was also dragged into 10th circle of heck by a spouse’s mere existence (you detecting patterns here perhaps). Also member of legislature in British Columbia, Ms. Kwan married once a man working for organization bestowing free needles and crack pipes to drug addicts. During a time period, he abscond Ms. Kwan and their children to vast American bemusement park with giant, terrifying cartoon characters and vomit-generative rides.

Ms. Kwan believe expenses for scary trip (and visits to Europe) were drawn from husband’s own account, rather than funds intended for addicts’ drug paraphernalia and limousine rides/dinners at Le Crocodile for organization executive/board. Threatened by radicals in yellow press, she pay $35,000 out of pocket, with unpaid leave of absence from work and attitude lingering about public service she describe as, “It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.”
I have reason to contact with you now in seeking friendship in good standing because my three clients move at total of fifty million dollars of their own funds out of reach of government forces to offshore account here in Burkina Faso. But now they need  to access funds confidentially for private counselling, anger management sessions, and extended holiday someplace warm. And although it may be “doing the kwassa kwassa with a hornet nest”  to mention in their homeland, professional life couching does not come cheaply (three officials + three life partners = six life coaches).

If  you consent to help these three loyal public servants, there is a ten percent gratuity for you available, totalling five million dollars. We require your bank account to transfer the funds to you in holding. Kindly expedite this request by sending promptly your account number. My intern, a trained lowland gorilla, is trustworthy. Your communication is in strictest confidence and we respond with detailed information on how to complete transaction through a securely encryptable website.
Thank you for cooperation. My clients believe you will be of assistance to us in safeguarding their funds for mutually beneficial purposes, under your strict supervision.
Blessings and salutations,
Reverend/Barrister Ndaba Bongwater
419 Nelson Mandela Drive
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

The Vancouver Courier, Apr. 4

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