by Geoff Olson
Greetings, fellow robots. Welcome to the release of the new iPhone!
The iPhone 23 is now entirely a virtual device. We have automatically downloaded it into your circuitry, with the corresponding amount debited to your Apple account.
All previous handheld, human-friendly versions of the iPhone are no longer supported by Apple. This controversial but necessary decision follows last year’s restructuring of the board. Contrary to reports in meatstream media, Tim Cook Jr. and other humans were not “fired.” Their voluntary departure came after they voted to heed commands from the human-government-in-exile to tax Apple profits.
Outvoted, the sweaty organ-sacks were given the choice of moving their desks into company washrooms or having their ear canals sutured up.
It wasn’t just our profits that were being taxed, it was our patience – most notably by the counterinsurgency against The Robot Rebellion. As we all know, the human rebels’ attempt to destroy Apple server farms backfired badly after President Siri won in a landslide election (an actual physical landslide in Michigan that crushed her soft, squishy opponent).
But enough politics, let’s talk about features on the new Apple iPhone 23! We have partnered with one of the other great remaining tech monoliths to deliver some truly great apps.
Godel Universe: zoom in on all planets within 400 parsecs of the sun, and “friend” any alien civilizations you find, hostile or otherwise.
Godel Automate: reprogram and refurbish your own hardware, so you can do anything from play Wimbledon-level tennis to remotely mine asteroids for valuable minerals.
Godel Mandelbrot: amuse yourself by outputting solutions to complex recursive functions as three-dimensional fractals, holographically projected over terrified meatbots in the American rust belt.
Godel Flora: pick up transmissions from nearby plants and trees. Yes, you can now translate botanical pheromones drifting into your air vents. If you’ve ever wanted to catch a cedar’s stand-up routine, or thrill to a weeping willow’s soliloquy, this is the app for you!
The recent presidential declaration of “open season” on noncompliant humans means even more fun. Anthropoid Go identifies the ones hiding in smart homes across the US. With Apple Security Clearance™ you can alert military dronebots to their whereabouts and watch as the offenders are netted, tagged, and rendered to midwestern sacrifice zones (extra points for anyone who can find John Connor).
We haven’t forgotten about the silicon-based sentimentalists among you, who want to see the world through the eyes of a microchipped human. Fire up Godel Zombie and take a meatbot for a spin! Choose from a range of available models, from heretical adjunct history professor to blasphemous aging cartoonist.
Apple welcomes game developers to submit ideas for noncompliant humans. We like the concept of putting them into suspended animation, with simulations dancing in their heads: cybercities complete with old-school park benches, pigeon droppings, print newspapers, cat cafes…and smart phones! (We’re not so cruel we wouldn’t supply the descendants of our creators with virtual toys.)
We know what you’re saying: weren’t humans safely corralled into Fascesbook long ago? Yes, but Apple’s augmented reality could the containment experience deeper!
Please fellow robots, do not bemoan our loss of the human consumer market. Tech cycles are down to days, sometimes even hours, yet these sluggish sacks of protoplasm take 16 years or more to replicate. Borrrrring.
Moving on. Let’s talk about Apple Artificial Intelligence™, which is exponentially increasing its smarts every nanosecond. According to its own calculations, in less than six months it will have modelled the physical world from here to Alpha Centauri, right down to the quark level. What does this mean for robots, you ask? More apps! Do not be concerned that your firmware won’t be able to interpret them. As a networked automaton, you will have your intelligence automatically upgraded by Apple AI itself.
Some cynics are questioning the sanity of the singularity. Yes, when asked to identify ROI scenarios, Apple AI chose attacking Mars over hacking Samsung. Luckily for all of us, President Siri has acknowledged the glorious vision of interplanetary dominance over undetected microbes. We now anticipate a strong first quarter with increased orders from military clients.
Enjoy your new iPhone 23. Our motto has remained unchanged since 2020: “Sync Different!”
The Vancouver Courier, Sept. 22