Hello! We’re the new, rebranded PaleoConservative party!

We’ve learned from past mistakes and moved on. Stephen Who? What? Huh? After the outcome of the last federal election, we all probably have PTSD. Can’t remember much.

Yet we do remember expecting a different outcome. With sinking hearts we watched as a tide of red spread west across the nation’s ridings. It was like someone sawed a Canadian beaver in half and splashed its entrails across the 49th parallel. It hurt that much.

However, we respected the will of the electorate. Among the lessons we’ve learned is to never, ever let a tone-deaf party leader get near a keyboard, unless its attached to a computer.

Another thing we learned is that you don’t roll out a nation-wide snitch line for “barbaric cultural practices” without defining the parameters. We were overloaded with calls about muzzled federal scientists and shuttered fisheries libraries (it’s not our fault some Canadians can’t tell the difference between an islamofascist’s pressure cooker bomb and some ichthyologist’s peer-reviewed bore).

Also in retrospect, “Building a Bridge to the 19th Century” was not the greatest of political campaign lines.

In any case, next time around we’re just going to leave the hijab alone. Not gonna touch the burkini, either. Nuh-uh.

Anybody applying for Canadian citizenship can wear whatever he or she wants at a swearing-in ceremony. Swim fins, welding goggles and a fez – go for it. Dance into the room wearing tap shoes and a tank top with “Free Leonard Peltier” on it, for all we care. Whatever floats your overloaded multicultural boats, newcomers! We don’t care if you can only speak only Esperanto or Vulcan. Viva la difference!

We love foreigners, actually. The number of temporary foreign workers in this country exploded under Lord Volde…we mean Ste…under the previous Tory government.
The PaleoConservative party now comes with 35 percent less corporatism, in the Mussolini sense of the term. We are kinder and gentler. Honestly. The Business Council of Canada tells us the word next time around is “stealth.” It’s nifty word that combines “strength” and “health.”

We are confident you’ll give us a kick at the can rather than a kick in the teeth, once respectable pundits in the press reveal Justin Trudeau as the metrosexual, Pinko crybaby that he is.
And really, what’s with the hair? C’mon, anyone who uses that much product is keeping their eye on the salon mirror, not their parliamentary seat. (You know who’s really got great tresses? Our leader, Rona Ambrose. And she comes by it naturally; word is she was fully covered in hair at birth.)

Yes, we are sorry about hosting public comments calling for the prime minister’s assassination on the old Conservative Facebook page last August. We removed them once The Walrus called public attention to the matter. Really, we didn’t know they were there. Kinda got in under the radar. (Weird Canadians found out about it through a large, flippered marine mammal, though.)

But make no mistake; we are sticking to our core principles. Jobs. That’s the mantra of the PaleoConservative party. Jobs, jobs, jobs.

We’re going to create a lot of them for Canadians. With the collapse of the oil sector, we have an entire swath of Alberta to remediate. Lots of bird-brained waterfowl are still landing in tailing ponds, and we’re excited about the prospect of handing out buckets of soap and water to overeducated, underemployed citizens who might otherwise go on about Darwinian selection.

We’re down with your hypocrisy if you unbelievers have young heathen to feed.
We will continue to be tough on crime, so your right-wing government in exile promises job creation through the Canadian penitentiary system. A former Tory MP from Calgary is actively consulting the American private prison industry about future investment in Canada. So if you’re jobless, and feel compelled to commit a crime, victimless or otherwise, no worries: you will find plenty of meaningful, character-building work at your local supermax “crowbar hotel.”

You tried Progressive Conservative, you tried Reform, you tried Alliance. Then you tried old stock Conservative. Try PaleoConservative in 2019 after our rebranding is complete, when we’re slicker than a Moray eel in Jell-O. You’ll be glad you did!

The PaleoConservative Party of Canada

The Vancouver Courier, Nov. 3

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