LIVE! FROM HOME!

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Evening, folks! What a great looking audience!
Sometimes people tell me I’m full of it….so I figure why fight it?
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Hope you’re all kicking back with your quarantinis, enjoying the free time to cultivate high anxiety. Guess we’re now all “conquering the great indoors,” as the Aussies call it.
Things are crazy and getting crazier. If you think the novel coronavirus is bad, wait till you see the movie coronavirus. It won’t be a musical…though I hear there’ll be choreography by the WHO. Personally, I think Pete Townsend is getting a bit old for this kind of thing.
What, too soon? Hey, it’s going to be too soon even by May, folks. You can’t joke about Keith Moon to some people yet.
Wow. Tough audience.
I’m dying up here. But I mean that figuratively. Honestly, I’m healthier than Jeff Bezos’ portfolio. Just can’t do much socializing right now, that’s all. As Nietzsche said, “what doesn’t kill you makes you go out and buy absurd amounts of toilet paper.”
When times are tough, it’s important to support each other.  If you’re out walking your dog or on your way to the grocery store and you see some stranger looking sad or stressed, I say give him or her a hug. Not one of those candy-ass, one-armed deals like I shared in the pre-plague days with the guys in my men’s group. I’m talking a real, honest-to-goodness bear hug. Make it last. Hug your loved ones, your neighbours, and the Amazon deliveryperson. Spread the love, people. We’re all in this together.
I kid, but I’m a kidder. I got plenty of training in social isolation by being a freelancer.  So I’m well placed to deal with this. Also, it’s heartening to know that no matter what natural or manmade disasters strike humanity, there’s always one thing people always need even more than safe food, clean water, and Zoom. And that’s a hard-hitting political cartoon.
Speaking of politics, how about that Greta Thurnberg,  folks? Not hearing as much about the wee Scandinavian climate activist lately, are we?  Tiny as she is, it’s ironic that it’s not Greta taking down industrial emissions, consumer activity, and airline flights. Instead, it’s something so microscopically itsy-bitsy you could stick in an amoeba’s navel and still have room left for Donald Trump’s heart.
Speaking of the Bronze Age Pervert, i’ve got plenty of time to kill at home, so I’ve been distracting myself with meme construction…
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See what I mean? People need this shit (speaking of which, I now do political cartoons for toilet paper. 3-ply or more, preferably Charmin. You can contact me through this blog).
In all seriousness folks, me and my girlfiend had a ten day holiday planned in Hawaii. We left on March 11 and returned on March 14, a day after checking out CBC news online. Trudeau said  that “any Canadian who is a broad should return home immediately.” I thought the Prime Minstrel was using a sexist, hurtful term for wimmen, and my girlfiend did too. Anyway, I had a decision to make…do I send  her home by herself and carry on holidaying….or do I do the noble thing and book an early flight with her?
Sure enough, the next day Trudeau said, and I quote, “I don’t want to harsh anyone’s buzz, but any Canadians who are bros need to return home immediately. For realz. Crank it, dudes.” So we chose wisely.
I hear there are still kids asymptomatically partying on Florida beaches. And Florida Is the US state with the biggest population of oldsters. Yikes… but I don’t buy the official story on COVID-19. Wet meat markets and bat-eating Wuhans? Yeah, right. I say it’s a bioweapon cooked up by some millennial psychopath with My First Crispr Kit TM.  Some Instagramming menace trying to move the needle from “OK, boomer” to “DOA, boomer.”
(Guess this is why some of my friends say, “Geoff, why don’t you try thinking more inside the box?”)
Speaking of conspiracies, anyone here remember Art Bell’s radio show? How he’d talk about the supposed acceleration of all things scary and End-Timey? He called it “The Quickening.” I think with all this social distancing and domestic dithering, we’re facing something worse. I call it “The Thickening.” In another month, peeps are going to be calling this the calorievirus.
Just my luck. The world goes pear-shaped and I follow. A waist is a terrible thing to mind, folks.
Speaking of sitting around getting fat, if don’t have a Netflix subscription, now’s the time. Lots of entertainment to take your minds off bad things.
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Uh…hmm…

Oh well, I’m sure there’s something fun on Netflix somewhere…maybe this?

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That’s another of my memes.
Seriously now, this link may actually prove to be useful in The Time of Great Confinement.
Netflix’s Top 250 Best Movies To Watch In Lockdown, According To Rotten Tomatoes
Just read that last sentence again. Who would have thought just a month ago you’d be sitting in your underpants midday, eagerly clicking on a link for “Netflix’s Top 250 Best Movies To Watch In Lockdown”? Ah, such is our madcap, ever-changing times.
Just about done here. Here’s some other people’s creations. I mentioned Aussies earlier….
One last thing:  remember, where and when possible, try to experience/cultivate/share the things that give you joy….
Thank you and good night! You’ve been a great audience! Stay safe and enjoy your quarantine!

Geoff Olson is slowly going bonkers in isolation. He’ll be performing to empty seats all this week at home.

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